Dear Wife,

I’m writing to let you know that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve tried to be a good husband for our 7 years of marriage, but I have nothing to show for it.

The past two weeks have been incredibly tough. Your boss informed me that you quit your job today, and that was the final straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t notice my new haircut, the fact that I cooked your favorite meal, or that I was wearing new silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after watching your TV shows. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, and there’s no intimacy between us. Whether you’re cheating or just don’t love me anymore, it’s over.

I’m leaving, and your sister and I are moving to West Virginia together. Have a great life!

Your Ex-Husband

P.S. Don’t try to find me.

—

Dear Ex-Husband,

Receiving your letter made my day. Yes, we’ve been married for 7 years, but a good man you are not. I watch TV to drown out your constant whining, which doesn’t even work.

I noticed your haircut, but it made you look like a girl, so I decided not to comment. When you cooked “my favorite meal,” you must have confused me with my sister, as I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. As for the new silk boxers, I turned away because they still had the $49.99 price tag, and my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.

Despite all this, I still loved you and thought we could make it work. So when I won $10 million in the lottery, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home, you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. My lawyer says your letter ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich and Free!

P.S. My sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem!